Hogarth Country Day School
Established 1980
|
Separation Issues an essay by Andrea E. Murphy
|
|
The most important thing that parents can teach their children is how to get along without them.
Frank A. Clark
Note: I refer to "3-year olds" throughout this essay. I could just as easily have used "4-year olds" or "5-year olds."
"The most important thing that parents can teach their children is how to get along without them." I love that quote from Frank A. Clark. Right from birth, the initial moment of separation, we are helping our children along the road toward independence. We help them when we insist they sleep in their own beds, or move from diapers to undies, or from drinking out of a bottle to drinking from a cup. Would they like to keep their bottles? Of course! Are they resistant to giving them up? Absolutely! Would it be easier to let them keep their bottles a few more months? Sure. Will that make the inevitable weaning easier? No way!
Most parents want their 3-year old wearing undies, sleeping in their own beds, and drinking from a cup, and it is perfectly reasonable to expect that they will do those things. Does that mean the 3-year old will never have a toileting accident, never need to cuddle with mom and dad in the big bed, or never spill grape juice on the white carpet? Maybe on Planet Perfect, but certainly not on Planet Earth. (And speaking of Earth, why on earth did you have white carpeting installed? Did you not see the grape juice coming?)
So now it's time for preschool. You've searched and researched and visited and questioned and labored over this decision for more hours than you spent in actual labor trying to deliver this child. At the end of your search, you decided that Hogarth is the right place for your little one to take those first steps outside of your protected family circle. Let me applaud your decision, and welcome you to the Hogarth family!
Your child will be spending at least one, and possibly two or three years at Hogarth. Most of his or her time will be spent happily playing with friends.
He or she will actively participate in learning activities and games.
Your child will sing at the top of his or her lungs and dance with wild abandon.
Your little one will sit enrapt, listening to story after story.
Is this all going to happen right out of the starting gate? For some children, the answer is yes. For others, it will take a bit of time. They will be quiet observers those first few weeks of school. Perhaps it is their nature to be cautious, but once they're comfortable, they'll throw caution to the wind and jump in with both feet.
Other children will be seemingly terrified at the prospect of mom or dad leaving them behind. Their protests will be audible down to Route 125. Their protests could go on for many days at drop-off time. Their protests, however, are usually short-lived. Once mom or dad has driven out of sight, the distressed child usually starts to pull his or herself together. Within a few weeks, the distressed child has made the home-to-school transition and is no longer the distressed child. All of these responses to starting preschool are typical.
How can there be so many "typical" responses to the same situation? This is preschool, and children of the exact same age can be light years apart in their development. But just as it is reasonable to expect a 3-year old to be out of diapers, sleeping in his or her own bed, and drinking from a cup, it is reasonable to expect a 3-year old to be able to separate from mom and dad and participate in a loving, nurturing preschool program. Does that mean every 3-year old is going to skip up the steps, blow a kiss and happily wave goodbye on the first (or second or third) day of school? Maybe on Planet Perfect, but certainly not on Planet Earth.
So what can you do to help prepare your child (and yourself) for what might be a few difficult departures? First and foremost, be comfortable with your decision to send your little one to preschool. You did your research and you picked the right school. Trust your judgment. This is a good and loving thing that you are doing!
Now for some practical tips. We often fear what is unfamiliar, so make Hogarth familiar to your child. Talk to your child about Hogarth as "your school" and about Miss Murphy as "your teacher." Help your little one take ownership of Hogarth. When you drive by (which you should make a point of doing often before school starts) toot the horn and wave. Before you get to the school, wonder out loud whether or not my green car will be parked by the school steps. Ask your child if he or she thinks I will be out on the lawn walking my dog, Mary Murphy. (I'm including this picture for you to share with your little one. Mary Murphy, my rat terrier, does not come to school regularly. She was here on this particular day because we'd read the book The First Dog by Jan Brett for a special Project Nature event, and Mary Murphy was an honored guest. Needless to say, if your little one is fearful of dogs, you can skip this suggestion!)
If your child is adamant that he or she is NOT going to go to school, be matter-of-fact and low-key in your response. You could say something like, "That's good! It's not time for school yet. You have to wait 3 whole months (or weeks or days) for school to start." Or you could say, "It's a good thing you're not ready yet, because Miss Murphy isn't ready yet either. She has to make sure she has enough blocks and Legos and puzzles and books and dolls and paper and pencils and crayons for you and all your new friends."
Visit this website often with your child to look at the pictures. Talk about what the children are doing and speculate as to whether or not your little one will do those same things some day. Ask your child what looks like fun, and which things he or she would like to do at school. I should have your child's class picture page up on the website by August, including your child's picture, if you've given permission. You can check back from time to time over the summer to see if new children have been added, or just to start learning names and faces. You'll be able to link to the Class Pictures page from Links for Hogarth Parents, a link which is also found on the Blog Page.
Five days before school starts, begin counting down the days. Put five paper clips on an envelope you've decorated and upon which you've written your child's name. Make that envelope as pretty as a beautifully wrapped present. Inside the envelope, seal a "secret" message for your little one to open at school on the first day of class. Say something like, "We can't wait to hear all about your first day of school. Have tons of fun! Love, Mommy and Daddy" You might want to slip a picture of your family, or the family pooch, or your little one's favorite toy into the envelope along with the note. Maybe you could put in a little sheet of stickers your child can use at school on that first day. Put the envelope up high on the front of your fridge with a refrigerator magnet as a visual reminder that school is starting soon. Have your little one remove one paper clip each day until school starts. Tell him or her that the envelope can only be opened at school with Miss Murphy after you've gone home. Your child will be able to tell me all about the dog or whoever is in the picture, and I'll be able to have a special "bonding" moment with your little one when I read the note to him or her.
Come up with a good-bye routine before the first day of school. Maybe you'll do one kiss, one hug and one high-five. Practice the routine when you're leaving your little one at home while you go out. You can even practice when you're going down to the basement to do the laundry, or at bedtime.
Try to have a plan for after school on that first day. If the weather is nice, you could go on a picnic or head to your favorite playground. If Grandma lives close enough, you could go for a visit to tell her all about school. The point is, give your child something to look forward to AFTER he or she attends class.
Pack a small comfort item in your child's backpack for him or her to take to school. It could be a small blanket or stuffed animal, or perhaps a picture of you. Whatever it is, it should be something your child can turn to if he or she becomes anxious at school. (Please do not send in a toy, other than a stuffed animal.)
So what usually works on that first day of school? If you can muster the strength to leave quickly, do it. (I know this is SO hard to do!) Go through your good-bye routine then say something like, "Have fun! I'll be back after you sing the Goodbye Song with Miss Murphy." At this point leave immediately. Your child may be on the brink of a meltdown, but you should still walk out the door with an air of confidence that let's your little one know you're not afraid. Your child will be watching you for cues as to whether or not this REALLY is a good thing. Hesitancy or concern on your part can easily transfer right to your child. Your natural inclination may be to scoop your little one up in a big bear hug and reassure him or her that it will be okay, but 99% of the time this doesn't help in the least. In fact, it often pushes a child right over the brink into full-blown tears.
So you've done all your prep work, but your little one starts crying as if his or her heart is breaking before you're even out of the car. S/he begs you not to go, and you're tempted to stay. Just this once. If you do that, all you're doing is delaying the inevitable, and letting your little one know that you aren't confident about the situation. Try doing your goodbye routine in the parking lot and then carry your child up to school. Speak softly and reassuringly, saying that s/he'll be fine and you'll be back after Miss Murphy sings the Goodbye Song. I'll be waiting at the door to help transfer your little one to the classroom. At this point, your child may cry out for One more hug! One more kiss! over and over and over. One more hug or kiss is NEVER going to be enough, so better to not even start.
Once you're out the door, resist the urge to turn around and look back before you get to your car. When you get to your car, turn around and give a smile and a wave, hop in your car, and hightail it on out of here. As long as you're in the parking lot and your child can see you, he or she will probably cry.
In fact, everybody should make a speedy exit from the parking lot those first few days of school. Your little ones will be watching, and often won't leave the window until they know you've really gone. Why not arrange to meet other Hogarth parents that first day for coffee? Maybe you could all hit Starbucks or MacDonalds and have an impromptu support group for first-day-of-preschool parents! Those parents who are old hands at this can reassure the new preschool parents that it really will be okay.
Parents who leave behind a distressed child will get a phone call at some point during class to let them know how their little one is doing. If you haven't heard from me within an hour, feel free to call. It just means I've gotten busy and haven't had a chance to get to the phone.
These tips for getting through those first days of school when separating can be an issue are only suggestions. They are suggestions, however, that stem from years and years of practical experience. I have helped countless children make the home-to-school transition, and every last child who started out in tears ended up loving their time at Hogarth. If you feel you won't be able to do a quick goodbye, I respect that, and will support the efforts you choose to facilitate the home-to-school transition.
Andrea E. Murphy (This essay may not be reproduced without permission of the author.)
Links to on-line articles about easing preschool separation anxiety:
From Parenting Preschoolers, North Dakota State University
From Preschoolers Today